10 Tips for a Super Sex Life in the New Year
We've all seen the lists of top resolutions: vows to lose weight, save
money, exercise more. But what about your sex life? Sexual desire and
pleasure don't just improve on their own. You need to put time and effort
into having a great sex life, just as you might put time and effort into
having a great party or planning a weekend getaway.
With that in mind-and from a decade of observation of couples in my sex
therapy practice in Newport Beach-here are my top 10 tips for a better sex
1. Schedule sex. I realize that doesn't sound romantic, but consider that if
you plan to see a concert with your partner, it doesn't make the event any
less exciting. If you have trouble fitting sex into your life, put it into the
2. Flirt. This is a way to build anticipation so that when you have sex on the
scheduled day and time, it comes from a place of connection and fun. Say
naughty things, leave a sexy sweet note by the breakfast plate, or
compliment your partner's best features or qualities to keep the pilot lit.
3. Make out. This seems to be a lost art. Many people get right to having
sex early in relationships. Why not have a kissing session that leads to a
long, satisfying hug and a good night's sleep? You will leave your partner
wanting more, and that can be a good thing!
4. Mix it up. I am always amazed at how many people really do have sex in
the same way, in the same place, every single time. Resolve to have sex
in another room of the house, to try a new position, or to switch up the
usual order you do things in. You don't have to get crazy, just don't make
your sex life like a perpetual rerun.
5. Communicate. If there's something about your sex life that hasn't been
working for you, speak up. If your partner is telling you something about
your sex life, listen. Believe your partner if he or she says they are bored. If
you are the one who is bored, say something. You can't expect things to
get better on their own. Plus, no one can read your mind!
6. Understand your own body. It's okay to explore your own body so that
you can tell your partner what you like best. It's okay to give yourself
pleasure so that you know how your body works.
7. Use lube. Too many people use the amount of lubrication a woman
has as an indicator that they find their partner attractive. That doesn't work.
Why? Because all kinds of things, from hormonal change, to stress, to
medications can make lubrication iffy. So grab that tube or bottle and use
it to make sex more comfortable.
8. Rest. Do you find yourself stating, "I'm just too tired for sex!" Then get
some rest. Your body cannot renew its energy without a minimum of 6
hours of consolidated sleep every night-and 7 or 8 hours of sleep are
9. Eat properly. See number 8, above. A diet of junk food will sap your
health. Choose to eat fruits, vegetables, complex carbohydrates, and lean
protein whenever possible and see your sexual energy rebound.
10. Exercise. The research proves that it's true: People who are fit have
fewer problems with sex. Currently the suggestion is to get a minimum of
a 30 minute walk daily. You don't have to be a Greek god or goddess, you
just have to have pep and stamina to stay sexually healthy.
Look over the list and choose one or two things to work on that you
believe will bring the biggest change. Select a target date, say a month or
two, to check in and see how you are doing. If you are doing okay but think
you need more improvement to make sex better, either stick with what you
are doing and do more of it, or add in another suggestion. Find the
combination of things that will make sex better for you in the new year!
|Dr. Stephanie Buehler is an
expert on sex and
relationships. She is the
author of Sex, Love, and
Mental Illness: A Couple's
Guide to Staying Connected.
Dr. Buehler is a psychologist,
sex therapist, and Director of
The Buehler Institute in
Newport Beach, CA. If you
want to learn more about
relationships and sexuality,
visit her website at