Can You Go Back?
By Lila Dubois©
They say experience is irreversible. What once seen can not be
unseen, once understanding comes ignore can no longer shadow.
But is that true of fetish? Once having dipped into the delicious
dark are you forever tainted for the mundane? Those who have learned
to love the kiss of the whip, the sweet pleasure of two sets on hands
on their body instead of one know that it does not stop a craving for
vanilla sex. They are simply different, like night and day there are
times when you want to stroll through both. The question is not the
understanding of those who love fetish, but those who do not.
Is it possible to have a relationship with someone who does not
understand the pleasure of those things considered taboo by many? I
hope so. I have loved, do love, and I hope will love, many people who
fall in to the innocent girl or boy next door category. Can they still
love me if they knew the pleasures of the flesh I have enjoyed? I fear
with some the answer is no. For some black will always be black,
white, white, and any girl or boy who likes to collar and be collared,
be exposed or semi-exposed in public is simply destined for a gritty
and bloody ending.
I once went with a friend to a nightclub in Los Angeles which caters
to the gothic set. The friend thought it was great fun to get dressed
up, thinking of it as a costume party, like Halloween. Once inside she
came to appreciate the atmosphere, the drinks, but could not get over
the dancing- so different from the typical grinding, and the scantily
clad population. Why scantily clad in leather and latex is different
from near naked in Gucci I do not know, but for her there was a true
There is an upstairs to this nightclub, an S and M lair, with
professional Masters, Mistresses and submissives performing for all.
Upon taking her up there I was captivated by the play between them,
the power and the submission. The careful snap of the whip and crop,
the shivers in the sub's body when hot wax ran down her arms.
As I sat there captivated by the visual delights before me my friends
voice broke through the haze.
"But he is hurting her!"
I tried to explain, to have her see past what was on the surface, a
bound woman being whipped; to what was really there, submission,
control, the whip as a way to express these things, not as a cruel
instrument of torture.
My explanations were in vain, the conversation finally ending with,
"But you're not like… into this are you?"
Much to my shame I said nothing, pretending interest in my vodka tonic.
It is this attitude I fear in others. If they cannot see it the way I
do I fear they will never understand how or why I like it, or if they
do come to accept my enjoyment of it they will simply turn from me in
This begs the question… do you tell them?
Those who do not already understand or appreciate the darker or
perverse sexual pleasures fall into two categories, those who will not
see, will not understand, and those who are simply waiting to have
their eyes opened.
I can only assume that the trick is to identify which category a new
lover falls into early. If you are so lucky to have one who could love
the darkness as you do ease them in slowly, careful to pursue those
things which bring delight to their eyes and steer away from those
You can never go back to whom you were before, but you can still love
those who have not seen. Be careful with them, for they follow you
blindly, and do not resent those that will not see, for they have a
right to that. Someone needs to cling to the missionary position as
the only acceptable form of intercourse, without those people it might
all become to mainstream, and then the sweet perversion would be gone.
Find someone who loves you enough to experiment with you, or to
understand your past and accept it, while you must accept that some
people will simply never understand.
To love fetish does not mean that you cannot have 2.5 children and a
mini van. We have as much right to it as anyone else. Baseball in that
back yard by twilight while a BBQ smokes is not that antithesis of
perversion and fetish, if done correctly they are but a beautiful
compliment. Simply remember to take the velvet hand cuffs off the
headboard before your in-laws come over.
You can never go back, but you do not need to.
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