Talking About Sex With Your Lover
by Kylyssa Shay

The word "intercourse" describes an interaction, an exchange
of thoughts and feelings. That's precisely what enjoyable
sexual intercourse is all about. It's a conversation between
bodies as well as minds, ideally in the same language. No
wonder communication is absolutely vital to wonderful sex!

When discussing sex with your partner don't feel that anything
that affects your comfort, pleasure, or wellbeing is too small to
bother with. Your partner wants to please you and
understanding what you like and don't like is the surest way to
make you both happy.

The ideal way to talk about sex is as the thought arises,
casually, and without pressure. However, since many people
are skittish about discussing sex, sexual issues tend to build
up. Once this has happened you need to re-open the sexual
discourse between lovers so you can re-invigorate the sexual
intercourse between you.

To begin with, figure out what it is you want to talk about. It's
best to be clear when you talk about sex. If you are dissatisfied
with sex, figure out exactly what you find unsatisfactory such as
the frequency or timing of sex. If you want to try something new
because you are "bored in the bedroom" think about what
exactly you'd like to try. Writing these thoughts down can help
you get a handle on what you are going to say. It also helps
you decide how to phrase your conversation. If you read what
you've written down you can concentrate on removing the

Focus on the positives and don't place blame.

If what you've been doing together in bed just doesn't please
you and you've been too shy to say anything about it you'll
need to gently start this conversation. After all, you've allowed
them to think they are doing just what you want so they will
usually be deeply hurt and confused if you just suddenly say
you don't like it. Instead of saying, "Dear, that does absolutely
nothing for me" try suggesting, guiding, and praising. For
instance, you might say, "You know what would drive me
absolutely wild?" then describe it, or show them. Whispering
this sort of suggestion in their ear in a public place can be quite
erotic as well as useful. Unless what they are doing is
uncomfortable slowly encourage them to do different things by
enticing them to more pleasant techniques rather than repelling
them from the old, lackluster methods. As they do more and
more of what you like tell them you are amazed at what an
incredible lover they've become. Positive reinforcement is key.

If you feel you aren't having sex often enough anymore, don't
just approach your partner saying, "We don't have enough sex!
" Tell your partner how much you enjoy sex with them, how
much they turn you on. Be affectionate in physical ways as well
as verbally. Remember to communicate with your whole body.
Smile; let them catch you looking lasciviously at them. Hug and
kiss. Grab their bottom like you used to. Initiate the sex.
Afterwards, tell them you never get tired of making love with
them. Praise their performance, be loving.

If you want to try something new, just suggest it in a sexy way.
Write a little fantasy where they are the star and include the
"spice" you are longing for. Or suggest watching a porno that
features what you'd like to try, then suggest doing it. Use your
imagination. If they absolutely don't want to try what you
suggest, accept their answer gracefully. No means no,
whatever the situation.

Much of this advice is unnecessary if you have maintained a
healthy, open line of communication. As you become more
comfortable discussing sex you will see that your sexual
relationship is just like any other. Don't allow small issues to
build up - talk about them as they arise and you will be much

Kylyssa is a freelance
writer and a wanton,
lascivious hedonist.  She
is passionate about
sensuality, and the First
Amendment.  You can
read her
strange and sexy blog at

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