The Art Of Sensual Touch

By Ethan Lovelock

Expert Author Ethan Lovelock:
When you ask lesbian women why they prefer to sleep with
women and not men, you can get a variety of reasons, but one
of the them immediately stands out - women know how a woman
should be touched. Apparently, most men don't.

Early on in my career I decided to explore the subject and learn
what it is that women know and we don't. I wanted to know
everything about touch. Not just any touch mind you - sensual
touch. I've seen many guides and instructional videos on
sensual massage over the years, and they all seemed
somewhat inadequate. They were very "massage", and not very

It wasn't until I happened to attend a Tantra seminar, with a
Russian teacher (A Russian? Teaching Tantra? Who would've
thought??), that I understood what sensual massage should
really be about.

The style of touch I've adopted since then is something I call
not-massage, because it looks like a massage, but it's really not.
It is a sensual connection and a pleasure system, and the fact
that some movements may resemble massaging is really just

Most women have never been touched this way, and the
response their bodies generate can be breath-taking. Many
women told me that they never knew their bodies can react this
way; they didn't think they had it in them.

In the following few paragraphs I will try to explain my philosophy
of touch and provide some practical tips for performing it. Don't
worry if it seems a little esoteric or abstract at first. My goal is to
show you the right mindset first, and only then turn it into a
practical tool for pleasure.

The Rules Of Not-Massage
There are four major differences that set not-massage apart
from any massage you've encountered before:

Not-Massage Rule #1 - There Are No Bodyparts
Massage tends to dictate how to properly work each bodypart,
and what bodyparts of your own to use for each stroke.

In not-massage, there is no division between good bodyparts vs.
bad bodyparts. No bodyparts that bore you vs. bodyparts that
you really want to touch. No bodyparts that are appropriate vs.
bodyparts that you should avoid.

There is just one complete, magnificent body in front of you, and
you touch all of it without discrimination. The knee is just as
appealing as the neck, and the nipple is just as appropriate as
the shoulder.

It is all amazing, and it is all erogenous.

Not-Massage Rule #2 - There Are No Roles
Massage tend to define the roles of giver and receiver - one
person aims to provide pleasure to another, and the other does

In not-massage, there is no division between the person giving
pleasure and the person receiving it. You are both doing it to
enjoy your bodies to the fullest, and therefore you should both
enjoy it together, simultaneously, without having to take turns.

This also means that the "no bodyparts" rule applies to both -
one body is used to touch another body and provide pleasure to
both. Hair touching skin, skin touching hair, warm breath sliding
over moist skin.. it is all fair game.

The partners can forget their "roles" and simply enjoy every
pleasure the moment brings to them. They form one system of
pleasure, one energy center, and one mind for the duration of
the session.

Not-Massage Rule #3 - There Is No Skin
Silent water runs deep. If you aim to touch the skin, you will
reach the skin; if you aim to massage the muscle encased by
the skin, you will reach the muscle.

But if you want to reach the soul, your touch needs to be much,
much subtler than that. You need to barely feel the surface, get
near but not quite all the way, and slowly, softly move a little
closer.. the softer your touch, the deeper it will penetrate - until
your partner feels like the skin and the muscles aren't even
there, and your touch penetrates through all the layers and
goes directly to their core.

A truly deep touch can create sensation in nerves that have
nothing to do with skin or muscles; they are nowhere near the
surface, but you can still reach them with enough softness and
intention. Just imagine that your hand (or anything else really)
can dissovle and go through objects, and reach. You'll feel it.

P.S. This may be obvious, but it bears mentioning anyway - one
layer you cannot penetrate is cloth, so it is always better to
massage the person and not his clothes. Ideally, you should
both be fully naked; anything else can still be pleasurable, but
not quite as profound.

Not-Massage Rule #4 - There Is No Time
Massage tends to have a start time and end time, various
stages, and a relatively even amount of time devoted to each

In not-massage we already know there are no bodyparts, but I
would also like to suggest that time doesn't matter. You start
when you feel like touching, and you finish when you feel like
moving on to something else. Between these two points, you do
everything as slowly as you possibly can, since there is no set
amount of actions you need to complete. As a rule of thumb,
whatever your intuition tells you to do, do it four times slower
and four times softer.

There is no goal to aspire to, and no objective to achieve. Both
partners just do what they feel like doing at any given moment,
and observe their sensations. Imagine looking at the point of
contact between the two bodies from within, staring up from
underneath the skin; feel the touch of one body penetrating
deep into another body, feel the warmth at the point of contact.

That's all there is to it.

How To Do It
There's really no "correct" way to touch another person, but my
experience taught me that touch that is soft, slow, and full of
intention appeals to the vast majority of women.

Sometimes I tell them what I'm doing and why I'm doing it that
way, and sometimes I don't - I just close my own eyes and touch.
It really depends on the woman's level of comfort.

I start with my hands until I feel she is comfortable enough, then
move on to use my forearms, hair, breath, chest and other
parts. I always touch her body in several spots at once (e.g. two
hands, one hand and one forearm, one hand and hair, etc), and
I move in very slow, very soft, continuous motions - trying to turn
the entire movement into ONE long stroke, and not a sequence
of separate strokes.

Even though the rule says there are no bodyparts, realistically if
the woman isn't used to the way you touch, it is better to ease
into it slowly and not do anything that will make her doubtful or
self-conscious from the start.

Go slow and move on to more daring areas gradually, with slight
hints at first. For example, before placing your entire hand on
her entire breast, first slide one finger over the side or
underneath, on your way from her shoulder to her hip; then a
few seconds later slide two fingers over the surface, etc; every
time it will be just slightly more daring than the last, so her
subconscious mind won't feel that what happened was unusually

Once you have "gained access" to her entire body, it becomes
especially crucial to forget your own preferences and to avoid
spending all your time near her sexual organs. Every time you
generate some "heat" in these standard erogenous zones,
slowly slide it to other areas of her body.

This trick will achieve several things:

1. Everyone likes her sexual organs, but you show appreciation
for her entire body. That makes her feel special, and it makes
you special for cultivating this feeling.

2. The heat you generate doesn't go away, and it doesn't stay in
one place. Alternating between more and less erogenous zones
will move the sensation throughout her body and make her
entire body erogenous. Soon you'll be hearing pleasure sounds
even when you touch her hipbone or her elbow - parts she has
definitely never considered erogenous before.

3. It helps dissolve her attention and let her really feel your
touch. If you only touch the standard spots, her mind can
wander and start thinking about irrelevant things like "do I look
good?" or "am I making the sounds he expects me to make?".
When you move the sensations throughout a larger variety of
areas, and especially through areas where she has never
experienced them before, it overwhelms her senses and brings
her attention away from thoughts and back into her body and
her sensations.

If you follow these guidelines and experiment with every chance
you get, this style of touching will soon become very natural
and, most likely, the positive feedback you receive will be

No one else touches like that. It is now our professional secret

Ethan Lovelock is a
former dance instructor,
relationship & sexuality
coach, and founder of - the #1
authority on intimacy,
better sex and healthier

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