What Makes a BDSM Relationship Last? Keeping Longevity in
a Kinky Courtship
Jakub is a sex blogger,
toy reviewer, sexuality
educator and a social
media addict. He has a
long term interest in
sex and sexual health.
He likes helping others
with their sexual issues.
By Jakub Honzik Bednar
Varying levels of pressure
The first mistake in thinking about bondage is that it is some perverted
kind of relationship that is nothing like a regular marriage or dating
situation. It really couldn't be farther from the truth; the kinks and sex may
be a bit different but the roles are similar. The same media, pornography,
and imagination that drives people into bondage relationships can also
trick them into thinking that the rush of excitement, sting of the whip, or
otherwise sexy role play may last forever. An important tool in keeping
bondage relationships alive is accepting the ups and downs.
In a relationship minus the BDSM, in the first few months there is a "rush"
of sensations, the long days when you are waiting for your partner; and the
thrill of having sexual contact nearly every night. But soon, the excitement
wears off. You still care for the person and want them in your life, but the
intensity of passion can die down. Some people may not imagine those
involved in bondage relationships just sitting on the porch or taking a walk,
but some sense of normalcy still is appreciated by both partners.
Share with journals and notes
When you feel things start to fizzle emotionally or physically, don't panic.
There are some tried and true methods that you can use to fix things and
not get fully derailed. Many miscommunications occur in BDSM
relationships because the submissive may have enjoyed some rough play
so much that they want to take things further. But the dominant, having
different motives and getting different kinds of pleasures from dominating,
simply doesn't know.
There is a fear that what the submissive wants may shock the dominant or
hinder further progression. There is a very simple way to help. It may not
be 100 percent guaranteed, but may save you from an unwanted breakup.
In BDSM relationships, so much of the allure is imagination, being bound;
and the allure of not knowing exactly may happen next.
A time tested technique that could help you is by keeping a journal or
writing email and letters. We recommend keeping a journal, because the
handwritten aspect can actually be quite a turn on. In this journal could be
talked about things to explore, sex acts or play toys to expand on, and
secret wishes. Because when a BDSM relationship begins, it is really
these secret wishes that it flourishes upon. This is a great way to keep the
chemistry at its peak between you.
Visit your own personal memory lane
Not everyone in BDSM relationships met on the internet. Maybe there was
a first place, library, store where you worked at that he came to check you
out in for a month before you discovered your mutual kink. If you go to
these places again in the right state of mind, you can rekindle more than
you'd ever imagine. There are junctions in BDSM relationships where all of
a sudden the submissive sees a more tender side of the dominant, and
the relationship gets better, but the bondage play suffers, because the role
of the one doling out punishment is weakened just a bit.
There are instances where if the submissive does not communicate well,
the relationship could end abruptly. The submissive is in fact enjoying the
relationship more, but the sex play seems a bit more timid, now that the
dominant's role is tender. There are all sorts of things that can happen to
end a BDSM relationship early, but hopefully these small insights can get
a few troubled slaves and mistresses back on their feet.
Are you entering into a new relationship and looking to draw up a BDSM
Contract with your partner? For tips, advice and templates, including TPE,
Dominant/submissive and a Master/slave contract forms, visit