Yes, But Can He Play The Trumpet?
by Sally Deering

I heard a smart-ass, New York disc jockey on the radio say that
a woman is a slut if she’s had more lovers than her age. If that
were the case, I should be going to the supermarket dressed in
platforms and fishnets with a purse filled with condoms. I’ve had
so many lovers, when I tried to make a list, I couldn’t remember
all their names. I had to call them, “Guy in Boston bar with brown
hat,” and “Busboy at Chinese restaurant in Toledo.” I’ve had
lovers from so many countries, I can say “Have you had an AIDS
test?” in twelve languages.

I have been on the dating scene for about ten years now. That’s
ten years of first dinners, first kisses, first sex, first blow jobs,
first oral sex, first breakfasts in the morning, first weekend stays,
first arguments, first disappointments, first thoughts of breaking
up, first walk outs, first hang-ups, first all night fights, first
breakups, first rebounds, first second breakups, first meetings
with new lovers at a public place, first regrets that the reason we
broke up was me.

I’ve been on blind dates, set up dates, double dates, dates
when they bring their kids along, dates that weren’t really dates
just preludes to sex, dates that would lead to sex, dates that
would never lead to sex, dates that would only lead to sex if I
was dead  drunk, dates that should never have turned into a
relationship, dates that could have turned into a relationship if I
wasn’t so fat, dates that could have turned into a relationship if I
wasn’t smoking cigarettes, dates that could have turned into a
relationship if I didn’t mind only having sex once a week, dates
that could have turned into a relationship if he was a different
guy and I was a different girl.

One guy I dated died from a heart attack. I kind of loved him,
too. He was sweet and funny and loved going down on me. And
any woman who enjoys a good orgasm knows that when you
find a man who likes giving oral sex, you don’t want to let go.
This man loved going down so much, he actually fell asleep
there once. It was right after he gave me five mind-blowing
orgasms. There I was enjoying every sensation, moaning like
crazy and then as my man’s tongue begins to take me on my
sexual journey, things begin to slow down. The space ship
suddenly stops in mid air. I wonder if this is just another one of
his techniques, you know, tease me and then go at me with a
zealous tongue, but no, things remain still for a very long
moment. Then another moment goes by. Then another. My
moaning stops. I begin to think about shopping for a new tea
kettle when I hear some faint snoring between my legs. I look
down and there he is asleep with his tongue inside me and a
huge smile on his face. What’s a girl to do?

Although our relationship didn’t last, it gave me pause. How will I
ever meet a guy that will go down on me like that again?  Are
there signs? I went back through my list of lovers and it hit me.
There was a common denominator. Every guy who ever went
down on me and really knew what he was doing played the
trumpet. That’s right. One guy was a professional, another
played in an orchestra and one guy even played it in high
school.  And they all knew exactly how to orally please me. So
now I’m on a quest to meet trumpet players. I’ll let you know how
it plays out.

Sally Deering is a
playwright, screenwriter,
librettist and columnist.
She co-wrote the
musical “Dr Sex” which
ran Off-Broadway at the
Peter Norton Theater
and won 7 Jeff Awards
in Chicago. She wrote
the plays “Chewing
Mother’s Bones,” and
“Sit On My Lap,” and
was the author of the
sex column, “Miss
Kitty's Sex Tips.” She is
writing a book, “The
Apple That Fell From
the Orange Tree,” and
has a new musical
coming out called
“Bombs Away!”
Virtual Sex Superstore

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