Hentai Review Poppers
by David Rasmussen©
Hentai Anime month
Critical Mass’ Mail Order Maiden 28 DVD
Anime 18/Anime Hot Shots’ Private Psycho Lesson
This month we’re taking a look at --- well, due to word count limitations I trimmed a
three shot review to a two spot, TWO below average titles spot that is.
Critical Mass’ Mail Order Maiden 28
1 “Oh you gotta be kidding me” out of 5 “say what?“’s.
Apparently old school never dies, it just get repackaged over and over and over
again (look at the uncomfortable resurrection of demon slash tentacle rape in the
newly released Sexy Sailor Soldiers if you don‘t believe me).
Case in point, the old school look, feel, and overtly sensitive approach to the male
penis in Critical Mass’ Mail Order Maiden 28. Now if you are not an old schooler
there’s a few things you should know about this “age”, and that is some of the stuff
in this “age” will make you appreciate stuff like Anyone You Can Do… I Can Do
Better or Slave Nurses just that much better.
Let’s talk about the story, or lack thereof. Lots of the time these stories are …
eh… well they’re BAD! I mean REALLY BAD! Sure, sure, some of the stuff from
back in some years are quite recommendable (Elven Bride and F3 presently are
on my list of recommendable with the new Summer 2006 re-release of F3 on my
short list for review) but there are also tripe you should avoid, like this.
Yeah, I know, there’s humor here and it is funny… should be, it’s the same gags
you’ve seen before (and laughed at before), which makes the premise not all that
original (or nice to look at in this case).
Guy, who is no Takabe, has this hots for this classmate who he seems to know for
quite abit of time. Guy shouldn’t get girl because guy is grade alpha one loser
material, in so far as he lugs pornography to school on a daily basis and has
getting laid on his mind (unlike Takabe who was not as hard up as this loser).
Girl, understandably, is not jumping at the chance of getting laid by this guy, but
recently it seems even this loser’s dreams are conspiring against him since
somebody who looks like a bad Sailor Moon clone is getting between him and this
girl he loves so… turns out that girl is Mail Order Maiden 28, who arrives at his
house one day in a large crate when he returns home from school.
Since he is probably not a ST:TNG fan let’s cover a few things you don’t tell you
newly activated female android bot when she comes online. .. Well, one thing
basically. Please don’t tell your girlbot she should be nailing you at least 5 times a
day (or so) because, as you know, her relentlessly analytical mind will take you
litterly at that word and she’ll want to do you for as many times as you tell her,
regardless of whether you later tell her something “contradictory”. Yeah, that’s
why this box claims she can’t get enough sex, because he basically ordered her to
be a sexfiend (because he’s stupid).
From there it’s will loser nobody should care about fall in love with girlbot, or keep
chasing his dream with his flesh and blood girl that he… oh, wait, you’ve stop
caring. Me too.
Now onto the penis thing. Hentai animes, older ones, were… well… not doing the
penis thing. This is, by the way, how tentacle rape was born since they couldn’t
show penises (from what I understand of the genre) and used tentacles as a
substitute, of which several series (including a well known famous one known for it’
s tentacle rape scenes) is noted for. But here, instead of tentacles, they use
different gimmicks like putting male’s penis in “Predator” mode (invisible), making it
glow like that curator’s nether regions in that trailer cutscene from The Da Vinci
Code, or turn it into a starship that fires… ugh.
Long story short. Nostalgia is only good if said nostalgia piece was actually good
to begin with.
I don’t know why people say this is good, but I watched as much as I could
stomach and when I could stomach it no more I stopped it and never reviewed it
again. Nuff said… except for the breakdown.
Mail Order Breakdown
Suddenly watching this makes one of the following reviews look better than I
thought, sorry to say you’ll have to wait awhile to see say review of TriAngle AHS 1-
2 (coming soon).
If I wanted to go retro I should have gone with F3 or even Twin Angels, and not
Nothing. Though, thankfully, when I acquired it it was at an extremely affordable
price of $12, but even that low price doesn’t justify the shoddy content.
This is, without a doubt, the most minimal DVD I ever seen! Select a language and
watch, that’s that. You can’t even scene select in this DVD, as if the DVD is
mocking you as to the truth of the long dragged out content which gets more
irritating as you watch it roll relentlessly forward without end.
Watching this should be considered the longest 45 minutes of your life.
There is far better nostalgia pieces out there to watch, watch those.
That’s why I’m giving this strangely praised selection one pity point out of 5 reason
to avoid watching this.
Anime 18/Anime Hot Shots’ Private Psycho Lessons
Two counter rotating hypno tits out of 5 therapy session payments.
Recently I’ve been talking about reviewing the Anime Hot Shots Line, and for good
If you are a budget minded individual looking for a bit of hentai at a low pocket
price, then investing in the Anime Hot Shots deal from Anime 18 might be just what
the naughty nurse ordered.
Here’s the deal, usually Anime Hot Shots are a taste of a series, a one or two
(occasionally four in this case) episode slice of a series to give you a bit of a
“push” in your decision making whether or not to buy the series. However this
turns into the full monty for a series when you apply it to hentai, mostly because
hentais only last between 2 to 4 episodes in length, making the Anime Hot Shots
delivery system perfect for the budget minded hentai fan looking for a little bit of
savings. After all, if you can buy a hentai for $9 a pop ($18 for a complete series)
when the present dual language DVD is going for $28 what is there not to love? I
mean with a $10 saving you can’t go wrong with that!
Oh, and did I mention that (unlike the Anime 18 DVDs) these do not have a
security glitch when you try to play them on your PS2 (in that you have to reenter
the player’s parental code over and over again in regards to the Anime 18
DVDs)? All you have to decide is if you can live with the limitations of the format in
order to reap the reward of the lower cost.
1-Anime Hot Shots are in English only, no Japanese language track
2-No extras, other than trailers of other releases and a history lesson about Anime
(which all of the Anime Hot Shots DVDs feature) there is no bells or whistles on
these releases. Recently, however, a new “extra” has been appearing in the form
of a printable “catalog” (because the DVD also functions as a DVDRom which you
can put into your computer).
3-It is in 30 minute slices. Meaning you’ll expend between $18 (2 hits) to $36 (4
hits) for a complete set (even if you spread the hits out over several orders). That
means while the 2 volume sets are cost cutters, the
4 volumes are… well… judgment calls since you might as well buy the collected
version and save $9.
Now for the review itself.
If only Hunter Tylo knew about this form of psychotherapy.
If you are one of those who know their CBS Daytime schedule from their ABC
Daytime then you probably recognize her as the psychobabbler Taylor from The
Bold and the Beautiful. Recently it seems Taylor’s been having abit of problems
with her faux marriage to annoying -- annoying -- (can’t say pretty or boy since he’
s neither) -- rich person Ridge Forrester, then she fell off the wagon and became
a “it’s only convenient when I want people to vote for me at the Daytime Emmy
Awards” drunk, only now to be all crying and eating up the set over 2%… and you
don’t care what 2% so let’s not worry about it.
But these problems didn’t have to be! As she ate dinner with Bobby Ewing from
Dallas, and then jumped in the sack with him and did the nasty later on (don’t
make me make you remember the scene he’s best known from from Dallas… has
to do with the “shower of forgetfulness” if you needed a hint) who is now playing
Brooke’s father because the original actor died sometime ago, and yes, I am
fishing for compliments from the Bold and the Beautiful staff! Go on, I dare you to
mention me in an episode! I’ll know if you did it! Try me, I dare you -- anyway long
story short (too late) if only Taylor had watched Private Psycho Lessons, and
learned to use her breasts as powerful hypnosis devices capable of -- wait,
nobody believes that crap, let‘s move on.
It’s a bit of a sad sad thing when people (fellow reviewers in general) seem to
praise the anime in question for it’s hypno tits. Yes, hypno tits. The lady in this
Anime is some James Bond slash Ethan Hunt slash naughty Dr. Phil therapist who
cures sexual problems in troubled patients. To do this she first does a James
Bond slash Ethan Hunt style high tech investigation of the person (usually with the
use of a helicopter and sometimes a limo), trying to figure out why they are the
way they are, like in the first episode where she’s sent in to cure a school girl (of
legal age naturally) who seems to be troubled to the point that she moonlights as
a prostitute at night (probably to pay for her habit of walking into clothing stores
and slashing up the large cup sized bras in the lingerie section).
Anyway then she confronts the patient, which leads to a brief lesbian oral scene
between herself and her patient as she “succumbs” to her only to be saved by her
annoying sidekick assistant (that happens in the first DVD only mind you)! Anyway
then she loses confidence after being defeated, and then she either does a lot of
soul searching and failed planning (like in the second episode where her old
friend turns on her and becomes a jealous techno sex therapist mind controller
type looking to destroy her), or takes a trip to see her equally perverted Yoda
mentor thing (who she seems to encourage in his failed advances unlike her
assistant who she beats when he’s fresh).
Then she reconfronts her patient and eventually her amply large breasts start
swinging (counter rotationally, aka one not in the same direction at the same
time). Yeah, apparently her ample breasts has the “mysterious” (-_-) power to
place her patients into a deep trance that she can dive into their minds (after she
jumps naked onto their body and rides them… yeah, that’s so Vulcan of her).
After that she goes Dr. Phil and analyzes the little demons within each of her
patients, after she gets tentacle raped or whatever if the creators thought she didn
‘t get it done to her enough yet at this point of the episode. Then they’re cured,
the episode ends… and you’re wondering what the hell did you just do to yourself
that made you actually watch this.
The only interesting episode, if you must see this, is Episode 1 (with her student
patient). The second one, the one with her friend who goes sithlord on her and
uses her brainwashed minions in an attempt to break her, is kind of bland and
bleah with the only real interesting scene being the start which, yeah, recaps the
episode I just recommended (the first one).
Still, it’s not like it’s going to be a serious undertaking to see both ($9 a pop and
all) so if you must see both feel free, I mean it won’t cost you much to do so. You
might even find the second pop better than I found it, maybe. But for now…
Private Psycho Breakdown - The Therapy
The first of the two volumes does has at least some interesting content, even if the
story is abit absurb and the voice acting is abit gimpish (I can’t believe I read a few
reviews where people said it was halfway good! I mean how can you say this is
halfway good!?! The voices really are not worth being hypnotized over.)
While I am not down on the first half, I wish the second half was better. As it
stands, however, it is the weak link in this two parter in my books.
Well, there is one lesbian scene in this one (first DVD), even if it is short and not
Otherwise listening to the woman’s problem from the first is better than the
problem of the twisted character from the second one.
Ladies? Don’t try this at home! Counter rotationally spinning your breasts will NOT
hypnotize even the most weak minded people out there (but then again you
already knew that so I shouldn’t have to say it)… (but I did say it anyway, didn’t I?)
Oh, yeah, what’s with the praise of the fact that this hentai has hypno tits? Is that
supposed to be something special and worthy of recommendation?? I don’t think
so but, hey, whatever keeps those reviewer’s Agga Ruter flying and all that is OK
by me I suppose.
It’s a gimmicky view that is too much! With weird ass characters, weirder set ups
and a failing that has it start off with a somewhat interesting first episode which
falls apart with a underwhelming second episode, this is not too bad but it doesn’t
reach average in my book.
So with that said and done, I’m going to give this one two counter rotating hypno
tits out of 5 therapy session bills (make them out to Dr. Taylor, care of The Bold &
The Beautiful/CBS Daytime).
That’s that. Until next time then (no time even to list next time content) tune back
in, same counter rotating hypno tit time, same counter rotating hypno tit place…
she‘s going to hurt her lower back if she keeps that up… bye.
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