Friday Night in the Suburbs X
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by Rachel Turney
Copyright ©2026
Adult Activity Book Entry Ten: On Marrying a Zaddy
This month, I am taking a little departure from my usual style because I want to talk about my relationship as a whole, which I was inspired to do after reading an old article by Hannah Berner in Elle Magazine, “Why I Chose to Marry a Zaddy—And You Should, Too.”
Well, here I thought I invented the word zaddy (my husband is named Zach), but after reading that Elle article by Hannah Berner I found out the word is actually listed in Urban Dictionary. Berner said that zaddies can be defined as “...the gorgeous guys in Rolex commercials who look like they know exactly where your clitoris is.”
Like Berner, I too met my zaddy during the pandemic. To me, a zaddy is a full-grown man (usually this means they have to well have cleared age 38, hell let’s say 42…45) who has reached his full potential. He is thriving in his career, has unique and interesting hobbies, grown friends with PhDs and no drama, and cares about things like fiber intake and colonoscopies because he is planning for the second part of his life. He is a man looking for peace and someone to enjoy time with. He doesn’t do bullshit and games. This, my friends, is exactly the person I met in the Caribbean... my zaddy, my husband Zach.
We will jump right in: Confidence in the bedroom is key to the zaddy persona. This is a man who took some biology courses and, in Zach’s case, may even have a whole degree in the subject. Now Zach is completing his doctoral degree in making my life fabulous. He is a man who pays attention and studies. He reads and researches new ways to bring excitement to the bedroom. A zaddy is a scholar of pleasing you. He watches, learns, and takes notes on you and what you like. He is obsessed with you and your satisfaction in and out of the bedroom. He thinks you hung the moon and worships you.
Zaddies do tend to be older men, and it’s important to keep a keen eye on imbalanced power dynamics. Berner mentions this in her article, too. My zaddy out-earns me and my earning potential by quite a lot. He is in tech and I am in education. This can be an issue in a relationship. In our case, we are both experts in our fields and respect the work the other person does. We accepted the jobs we are in now a full year after meeting each other and were already married with combined assets. Our career and financial trajectory is something we decided on together. We ended up in our current roles because of our shared desire to be able to work remotely.
Older men tend to be know-it-alls. I think this describes Zach. Again though, he tells me routinely, and shows me, that he respects my intelligence and thinks I am the smartest, most dynamic person he has ever met. We are equals and that keeps us balanced as a couple.
Zaddies don’t compete with you. This is especially important for alpha-females who excel at everything they put their pen to, like yours truly. Zaddies don’t compete, because they are at the front of the pack right with you. They don’t need to hype themselves; they have already succeeded and being with you is proof of that.
What the zaddy concept is really about is women finding partners who respect them and treat them as equals. To some that may seem very basic, but for women equity and respect haven’t been part of the marriage tradition. Don’t forget we couldn’t get a mortgage until 1974 without a male to cosign. Women still earn less than men, though the controlled gap is closing. This gap closure is only true for white women; the gap for women of color is much wider, which is important to note in the holistic fight for women’s equity.
Finding a zaddy, what Berner’s article promotes, is really about being in a mutually respectful, adoring, and positive relationship. I wake up every morning and choose Zach as my zaddy. If you don’t feel that same resolve… maybe you need a new zaddy or your very first. If you, like me, find yourself in the suburbs this Friday night, make sure you got there with the right person.
Have a sexy Friday night!
Rachel
Berner, H. (2022, July 14). Why I chose to marry a zaddy—and you should, too. Elle. https://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/a40591039/why-i-chose-to-marry-a-zaddy-essay/
If you missed it, please check out other installments in this series:
About the author:
Rachel Turney, Ed.D. (she/her) is the Writer in Residence (2026) at NKollectiv in Englewood, Colorado and runs the Trident Women’s Writing Group in Boulder. She is a poetry mentor with AWP. Rachel is passionate about immigrant rights, teacher support, and empowering other artists. She is a Writers’ Hour prize winner and has been nominated for Best of the Net and Best Microfiction. Rachel is the founder of the popular online reading series Poetry (in Brief) and EIC of PIB (the Magazine). She is on staff at Bare Back Magazine with her monthly column Friday Night in the Suburbs. She reads for The Los Angeles Review. Her debut poetry collection, Record Player Life (the b-side), is available with The Poetry Lighthouse. Her second poetry book, Retired Wannabe Club Kid, is out now with Parlyaree Press. Website: turneytalks.com Instagram: @turneytalks Bluesky: rachelturney
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